Tuesday, May 30, 2006


You know what I hate? Wrong. I love goats.
Really, goats are great.
No, I hate children.
Not all children, mind you. I have the obnoxious, fat, loud, smelly ones. The ones that always have chocolate ice cream all over thier faces. The ones that cry in the super market because they got Cheerios instead of Fruity Pebbles. These children make me very, very angry..
First off, lets get some licenses going for child-bearing. I can't get a dog without one, why not a kid? No license, no kid. Simple as that. How do you get a license?

You must be three things:
1) Wealthy enough to support said child without aid or succor from the government
2) Of sane mind
3) Of healthy body

Why these three things? Well, I'm tired of the idea of welfare. Also, I'm tired of nutso parents, and thirdy, I'm tired of fat, lazy parents either raizing fat, lazy kids, or dying too early and leaving pitiful orphans that need to be eaten.

Moving on. If you do not meet the licensing requirments, you're child will be removed. "What if I'm still pregnant," you ask? Guess. Go ahead an guess.

Now. This will stem the production of more ignorant, ill-fed and clothed children. But how do we rid ourselves of the noisy, ugly ones that are around all ready?
Everything younger than 13 will be round up and tested. They will be put in a movie theater. If one of them makes a noise, the theater is gassed.
Sound harsh?
I promise they won't feel a thing.
In this way I will rid us of children forever. See any holes in my arguement? Go die.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Bears (updated)

I was informed by Michael that the movie Austen Powers (which I refuse to see because of how outrageously stupid it looked) that lazer sharks were already thought of. I hope no one thought that I was ripping that movie off, because I wasn't. Lazer sharks has hereby been stricken from the list.

So, a reader, whose Indian name is Destroyer of Nuns, reminded me off my passion for kick ass animals.
First, lets start with sharks, then move onto killer bees, and so forth in that order until we arrive at alligators.

Killer Bees. The lame gangsters of the kick ass animal world. Rather than take you one-on-one, they attack in a large, poorly organized group. Alone, they are weak and worthless, in packs, a force to be reckoned with. I have no respect for bees.

Spiders. Spiders, however, deserve respect. They are like eight-legged wolves, that can shoot glue out of their ass. How cool is that? I'll bet that in the future, people ride giant spiders instead of horses. Giants spiders would rule.

Bears. Bears rule. They are the most kick ass of all land animals. Except maybe mongeese. I mean, mongeese fight cobras. How cool is that? Its because of Mongeese that cobras aren't on this list. I mean, if a feret can kick your ass, how tough are you? Not very.

Basking Sharks. These things don't eat anything that would make them cool. They just look scary as all get out. Seriously. Google them. They are scary lookin' dudes.

Rhinos. Big, half blind, and short tempered. Think Me, with a horn, sixty years from now.

Hippos. Hippos are respnsible for more deaths in africa than lions. How cool is that? Very. Also, watch two on them fight. It's almost boner inducing how great they are.

Apes. Like gorrilas and chimps. They are like a thousand times stronger than people. Also, hairy. And I hear that they eat babies for fun. That could be hear-say, but I doubt it. It sounds realistic.

Sasquatch. I don't feel that I need to explain this one.

Birds of Prey. Hawks, eagles, and the like, are pretty bad ass. Some can grab their prey mid-flight, without breaking a sweat. Owls are good too, because they can do that crazy head thing.

Cats. No, not like house cats, like lions and cheetahs. Although all land cats are good enough to warrant their own entries on this list of great animals, I feel pretty tired, and the great thing about writing the blog is that when I feel tired, I can up and quit.

Alligators. Alligators are like sharks, but on land or water. However, rather than making them more deadly, it only decreases their deadly score, since they tried to cover more ground, it made them less effective in both mediums.

And there you have it. The list is by no means complete, and if some good ideas are given to me, I might change it.
Don't count on it, though.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


There are things, believe it or not, that make me more angry that commercials. Now, I know you find that hard to believe, but its true. One of those things is organized religion. Another is the rap "culture". Yet another is giggly teenage girls. However, today I will not piss and moan about these things. No, today I slander another thing.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some baby duck slaughtering mad man. I kinda dig animals, it I truely ache to see them treated unfairly, however, like most extremist organizations, PETA goes too far.
Lets take, for example, some of the things PETA believes. This is something I pulled directly from the FAQ section of thier website.

"There are very serious problems in the world that deserve our attention, and cruelty to animals is one of them. We should try to alleviate suffering wherever we can. Helping animals is not any more or less important than helping human beings—they are both important. Animal suffering and human suffering are interconnected."

Animals are not less important that humans? Are you serious?
People are, in all scenarios, more important than animals. If PETA truely wanted to relieve suffering, why not use thier massive amounts of recources to help the millions starving in Africa, or even the huge amounts of poverty here?
By helping animals instead of humans, PETA is implying, quite heavily, that they believe animals are more important than humans. Saying that they don't is laying it on a little thick, don't you think?
And what does PETA think about ALF, the Animal Liberation Front, which causes a great deal of damage to science labs in terrorist acts?

"The ALF, which is simply the name adopted by people who act illegally in behalf of animal rights, breaks inanimate objects such as stereotaxic devices and decapitators in order to save lives. ALF members burn empty buildings in which animals are tortured and killed. ALF “raids” have given us proof of horrific cruelty that would not have otherwise been discovered or believed and have resulted in criminal charges’ being filed against laboratories for violations of the Animal Welfare Act. Often, ALF raids have been followed by widespread scientific condemnation of the practices occurring in the targeted labs, and some abusive laboratories have been permanently shut down as a result."

Also, "PETA paid $70,200 to an Animal Liberation Front (ALF) activist convicted of burning down a Michigan State University research laboratory."

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm biased, but doesn't this make it sound like PETA is condoning this behavior? Doesn't it sound to you like they are in support of such behavior, as long as it means animals don't come to harm? And what exactly does PETA mean when they say "horrific cruelty?"
PETA defines their goal as "total animal liberation" which means: "no meat, no milk, no zoos, no circuses, no wool, no leather, no hunting, no fishing, and no pets (not even seeing-eye dogs). PETA is also against all medical research that requires the use of animals."
No seeing eye dogs? No pets? No medical research? Really?
What is the medical research could greatly benifit mankind? What if it could cure AIDS?

"PETA president Ingrid Newkirk has said that 'even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we would be against it.'"

I find it difficult to believe that peope can hold animals in such a high regard. Save a few hundred animals and in doing sarcrafice countless AIDs victims, including children? How is this organization allowed to operate? Is anyone else disgusted?
Not only does PETA support terrorist organizations and oppose even beneficial uses of animals, they also attempt to sway children as young as six to really behind thier cause, without notifying the children's parents, usually with literature that is graphic and accusational to the child's own parents.
Allow me to reiterate: I am not pro-animal cruelty. I would glady help people get better conditions for farm animals, better treatments on ranches, and I believe that animal cruelty should be punished. However, PETA's methods and beliefs are too extreme to be good. Just because you oppose something evil doesn't make you good.
However, don't take my word for it. Check out PETA's website for more information, and also be sure to take a gander at PETA kills animals for the other side of the arguement. All quotes and statistics were taken from these two sites.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Dumb People I've Overheard

The title is a little misleading. Instead of naming off dumb people I've overheard, I'm just going to tell you the dumb things they say, because usually when I overhear things, I dunno whose talking. This is probably the first of a series.

I was at the gas station when a guy in a plain, white t-shirt and blue jeans said to a friend:

Whatever, dude, if I wasn't Hip-Hop right now, I'd kick your ass.

And he seemed completley serious.
People are lame.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


Me, Mike, and Sean went to the zoo.
I don't need to explain my motivations to the likes of you.

Moving on. We saw some kick ass animals. First there were some bears. Bears are cool, because, like Sean said, they'll just be sitting their, eating some berries, and you're thinking "Hey, man, hes a vegan. Sweet!"
Then you get eaten.
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There were some Gibbons, too, which were, without a doubt, the best animals in the zoo. However, this was mostly because they were one of the few things up and about.
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Then there was a lame peacock that was making everyone angry. We saw him twice. He was a real douchebag.

And finally, there were hippos. They were cool because they didn't even try and entertain people. They were like "We're hippos, dudes, whaddid you expect?"
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And thats what happened at the zoo. I mean, other things happened, but those were the high points. That and there were a lot of attractive ladies out and about. From now on, I'm picking up chicks at the zoo.

Rant Time

I've had this blog for less than an hour and already I'm pissed off. Egads. You know what I hate?

Three in particular set me off like a kick ass guard dog with metal teeth.
Perfume commercials.
Car commercials.
And those goddamn Sit + Sleep ones. You know. "You're killing me, Larry!"

Perfume commercials are stupid. Really stupid, and all the same. Its shot in black and white, because perfume isn't effective in color, there is some crazy beach, a man model and a lady model. They're probably kissing or something. Then it's like "Depression, By Perfume Guy."
End commercial.
When you advertise, you gotta say how great it is. Maybe use some humor. This psuedo-art bull you guys are forcing on me while I enjoy Conan makes me want to eat a village of orphans.
Car commercials piss me off because I don't like cars. I'm deciding whether or not to ween myself off of them.
And to those Sit & Sleep bastards: Shut up. Shut up. I swear to high heaven I want to cut thier tounges out and wear them around my neck indian style. Yeah, I said "indian style."

Egads, people. If we stop buying this shit the commercials will stop.

Ninja Burger Delivery Boy

Yeah. The title is a non-sequitor. When I hit the "n" key, that title showed up in one of those drop-down thingies below the text entering place.
And I was like "What the fuck? Ninja Burger Delivery Boy?"
Who the hell uses this computer when I'm not looking?
Thats not important right now.
What is important is that I found out I had a fan. Really. No shit. I was stoked. So you know what I did? I went and made a new blog. I got a new name, some new stories, and a kick ass robot arm. Who the hell doesn't want a robot arm? Commies, thats who.