Thursday, May 18, 2006

Bears (updated)

I was informed by Michael that the movie Austen Powers (which I refuse to see because of how outrageously stupid it looked) that lazer sharks were already thought of. I hope no one thought that I was ripping that movie off, because I wasn't. Lazer sharks has hereby been stricken from the list.

So, a reader, whose Indian name is Destroyer of Nuns, reminded me off my passion for kick ass animals.
First, lets start with sharks, then move onto killer bees, and so forth in that order until we arrive at alligators.

Killer Bees. The lame gangsters of the kick ass animal world. Rather than take you one-on-one, they attack in a large, poorly organized group. Alone, they are weak and worthless, in packs, a force to be reckoned with. I have no respect for bees.

Spiders. Spiders, however, deserve respect. They are like eight-legged wolves, that can shoot glue out of their ass. How cool is that? I'll bet that in the future, people ride giant spiders instead of horses. Giants spiders would rule.

Bears. Bears rule. They are the most kick ass of all land animals. Except maybe mongeese. I mean, mongeese fight cobras. How cool is that? Its because of Mongeese that cobras aren't on this list. I mean, if a feret can kick your ass, how tough are you? Not very.

Basking Sharks. These things don't eat anything that would make them cool. They just look scary as all get out. Seriously. Google them. They are scary lookin' dudes.

Rhinos. Big, half blind, and short tempered. Think Me, with a horn, sixty years from now.

Hippos. Hippos are respnsible for more deaths in africa than lions. How cool is that? Very. Also, watch two on them fight. It's almost boner inducing how great they are.

Apes. Like gorrilas and chimps. They are like a thousand times stronger than people. Also, hairy. And I hear that they eat babies for fun. That could be hear-say, but I doubt it. It sounds realistic.

Sasquatch. I don't feel that I need to explain this one.

Birds of Prey. Hawks, eagles, and the like, are pretty bad ass. Some can grab their prey mid-flight, without breaking a sweat. Owls are good too, because they can do that crazy head thing.

Cats. No, not like house cats, like lions and cheetahs. Although all land cats are good enough to warrant their own entries on this list of great animals, I feel pretty tired, and the great thing about writing the blog is that when I feel tired, I can up and quit.

Alligators. Alligators are like sharks, but on land or water. However, rather than making them more deadly, it only decreases their deadly score, since they tried to cover more ground, it made them less effective in both mediums.

And there you have it. The list is by no means complete, and if some good ideas are given to me, I might change it.
Don't count on it, though.


Blogger Mephistopheles said...

well, now we know that you give david a badass indian name... whats mine foo?

May 22, 2006  
Blogger Headline Blankets said...

Do something worthwhile.
You gotta earn it.

May 22, 2006  
Blogger Hoff Man said...

sharks with shivs, nothing better

May 29, 2006  

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