Thursday, May 31, 2007


So, today I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, and thought, "Huh, I slept through work. Whatever, if they didn't call me then fuck them." I got up, grabbed a pair of pants, and went out to check the mail, because its 5:30 at night, and the mail comes around 12:00.

I step outside, and my house is practically swarmed with children.

I blink, and for a moment, i am speachless. This is because I have this fear of children in groups, probably stemming from the nightmares I had after reading "Lord of the Flies". That's not a joke.

"What the hell are you doing outside of my house?" I ask them.

"Uh, waiting for the school bus." One answered.

I blinked again, and went back inside to check my cell phone clock.

5:45 AM.


Sunday, May 27, 2007

Attention World!

I've been hearing a lot of jazz from my fellow ninjas that recently they have come to seriously fear pirates. Honestly, my ninja brethren, there is nothing to be worried about as long as you remember a few simple things.

1. Pirates are Ocean Mammals. Like dolphins or whales, Pirates are really only at home in the water, or in ports, where they have to drink a lot of rum in order to stay alive. If you encounter a pirate on land, especially a sober one, remember its probably more afraid of you than you are of it, because pirates are VAGINAS!

2. Pirates are broken. Pirates are usually missing a hand, eye, or leg, sometimes, all three. Because of this their effectiveness in combat is effectively halved, however, keep an eye out for their incredibly strong beards, which harness the power of the sun.

3. Pirates love swag/booty/candy. If threatened by a pirate, an offering of rum, swag, or candy can usually sedate them, and conflict can be avoided. This is because all pirates are idiots, and easily destracted. Dumb pirates.

4. Pirate weaponary. Pirates main weapons are cutlasses, which are so blade heavy that a single swing usually puts them off-balance. They sometimes carry flint-lock pistols, which fire once before reloading is required, and are terribly inaccurate. However, if you see a pirate ship, make sure to use your Ninja invisibility, because their cannons are freakin' MEAN!

5. Pirates cannot fly/pee lightning/transform into bears. I don't know where these rumors come from, or why they keep coming up, but they are totally UNTRUE!

Remember shuriken are usefull when dispatching pirates at medium range, and your kama or even a bokken are effective at close range.

I you have any further questions regarding the clear inferiority of pirates versus the truely awesome power of the ninja, please send your emails to

Thank you, and good night.

Wood, Getting Lost

A brief update.

The free wood guy (called "Woody" in my head) called and totally gave me summore wood, which is wicked sweet. I'm using some of it to build myself shevles.

I totally got lost the other day, ended up a hundred miles outside of my town, in the dark, in the boonies. Scary. Met a hick and a horsefarmer. Exciting.

Michael is moving up in less than 15 days. A W E S O M E!

Also, I'm crushing pretty hard on a new girl at work. Wish me luck, Squelch Gunners!

Thursday, May 17, 2007


So, nothing terribly exciting is going, except Baby Bible is moving here really soon. So, in place of a real post, I'm going to give you a few sites that I really find entertaining, so you can kill a few minutes. I'm nt so conceited as to think that I'm helping these fine folks in anyway. They really don't need the plug.

a lot of those are web comics. If you know any interesting web comics I should check out, gimme a heads up. Thanks!

Sunday, May 13, 2007


Every once in a while my family, somehow or another, manages to get me to go to church with them. Usually I go because someone I know is going to be speaking. Today I went because my lovely niece and handsome nephew (Shayne and Ethan) were going to be singing a series of mother's day songs in celebration of the holiday.

So I grabbed my polyester pants, green dress shirt, old brown shoes, pub hat, and headed out the door.

My dad's church is like, half an hour away, so, a long drive later, I was there.

Boring talks about Mothers, mostly BS, and some returned missionary talking about how much he loves the gospel.

Then the kiddies.

They filed up to the front of the church in little lines, stood, leaned, sat, and the show started. Some kids sang, some kids just sat and stared ahead, lifeless, bored. My little nephew made goofy faces at the audience, while my niece stood and smiled like she had just found out that she was getting cake for dinner.

For the most part, it was cute.


Something, maybe its Washington, maybe its Mormons, but, goddamn there were some ugly kids.

Not normal ugly, big ears or a funny nose, I'm talking eyes that weren't level. One eye literally an inch higher than the other. How do people love these ugly kids? One kid had a forehead like a caveman and eyes like oranges, ogling the crowd like they were covered in ants. Little girls that looked like chimp hybrids, huge open mouths, toothless and frightening. Pale kids, their veins showing through the skin of their faces like roadmaps tattooed on their skin.

Scary, ugly kids.

Almost made it not worth it.

And to top it off, my buddy, who was supposed to buy my a bottle of bourbon, didn't call, and my cousin is outta town, so no hard liquor there, either. wine again tonight, and I'm starting to get tired of it.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Short Rant and Neighbors

Okay. First, I saw the new Spiderman. Why? Because Spiderman has always been, and always will be, my favorite super hero.

However, it was a dissapointment. Venom's voice was poorly synced with his lip movements, although Topher did a better job than expected portraying him. And why is it that, under the influence of the black suit Spiderman becomes a cocky emo kid? WTF, Raimi? And that dance scene in the jazz club? LAME. And (spoilers) Hobgoblin and Spiderman team up? There's a word I'm looking for... Cliche. I know the E needs one of those little liney things above it. Fuck that, its too much effort.

Second, the girl in the row in front of me was crying. At a Spiderman movie. It's Spiderman, you damn woman, not Steel Magnolias! Gah!

Unrelated, I saw my nieghbors for the third time. They were both outside, the husband, as usual, wqas shirtless. The wife was smoking a cigarette. Things were awkward because we've never introduced ourselves, and by this point, its too late. So yeah. I'm starting to hate my nieghbors.


I noticed before he said anything but Michael pointed out that the last few posts made me sound like a 38 year old woman. Not that 38 is old, its just that... Fuck. I'm not explaining. I sound like a goddamn 38 year old woman.
What do I say to that?
Fuck yo, Michael! Fuck you with a fireplace poker!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Today's Adventure: Neighbor Meeting

I met my man-neighbor yesterday, although his wife and two daughters are still as elusive as sasquatch.

This is what happened.

I was stomping up and down the stairs, and the guy came out of his house, in just his boxer shorts, and said "Could you be a little quieter, my daughter is trying to sleep."

I'd had a few drinks, so I became "Apologetic Tyler." I said, "Sorry, dude, totally my bad."

Then I had a few more drinks and decided he was an ass hole.

This morning, he slammed on my door, and I sort of half-woke up, and heard him yell, "It's pouring out here!"

I shouted, "Thanks for the weather report!" And went back to sleep.

When I finally went out to my truck three hours later, all the windows were rolled down.

My truck was soaked.

Fuckin' Neighbor.