Thursday, August 24, 2006

Old Part Two

So yeah.

Me and Michael decided that the onyl thing to do, the only AMERICAN thing to do, would be to picket the Denny's. We wouldn't take this sitting down! Oh no! We were going to fight for our right to eat the leftover from other people's tables!

So i went and took some boxes from work (I worked at a McDonald's back then. Looking back, I realize I should have picketed that hell hole rather than Denny's), and me, Mike, and Carmy spent the afternoon making signs. I wish I could remember all of them. Here are some gems.

Carmy's signs:

Is it so crude
To eat another's food?

So many starving in China
All we wanted
Was food from the Dinah**

Mike's Sign:

If you can read this you are WAY to close to Denny's

My Sign:

We're Hungry! Ask us why!

Armed with these and Mike's digital camera, we hauled ass to the Denny's where Michael and I stomped around shouted "Hey, ho, we won't go!" and wavig our signs around. I think at one point one us us starting singing "All we are asking, is give peace a chance!" Carmy took photos (which turned out really great, so great, that I still have one on my myspace,

Eventually, though, we realized people were not going to be sympathetic to hungery teens taking leftovers from people's tables, so Mike started telling people that we had asked if they would let us take leftover food and give it to homeless people, and been refused. However, even with such a beautiful, bleeding heart story, we were usually ignored.

Then some lady came out, smoking a cigarette, and started making a phone call. She asked what we were doing, and Mike told her the created story. Carmy took a picture of me kissing her on the cheek.

Then Carmy noticed that the manager was making a phone call, and I screamed "Its the cops!" So we all jumped in Mike's car, and sped off.

Good times.

*Carmy is a Genius

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


This is an old story about me and Michael. Carmy was involved too. I'd include pictures of them for the internet to ogle, but I'm having trouble with pictures and my blog. If anyone wants to help out, then they should contact me at


Me and Michael head over the local Denny's about once a week nowadays, and we used to, too. However, for nearly three months, there was a period where we did not. Why? you ask? Allow me to explain.

Me and Michael are poor. We don't always got the scratch to be able to buy some fancy shamncy Grand Slam breakfast or some ginormous burger. Sometimes we go in order a cup of coffee and just hang out. Why? Because Denny's is the only place open when we hang out which is usually around whenever one of us gets sober enough to drive.*

So one night, me and Mike are sitting around, sippin' on caffiene, when this group of people gets up and leaves the Denny's and a table full of food! Seriously! It's like they order it out of spite of the poor cooks! Well, Mike and I were not about to let that stuff go to waste, so when the waitress wasn't looking, we snuck over there and took it!

Now, we had rules. No eating things that had been seasoned, no eating things that had bite marks, etc. We ate pretty well, and when we were done, we put the plates back, left, and decided we were probably the greatest people in the world.

And did we stop there? Hell no. We kept taking the food. Was it stealing? No! That stuff had been paid for, no one else wanted it. We were like, the Goodwill of food. Thats not a great analogy. Wait, we are talking Denny's here. Maybe it was okay.

But then, one day, we got caught! We grabbed some pancakes and cheese fries (That was one of the down sides. Your food never matched.), and we got to eatin'! Trisha and Casey and Micahel and I were there. Then the waitress came to fill our glasses.

"Hey, where'd you guys get that food?" She asked.

"That table over there." I said.

"So you stole it?"

"No. Its been paid for."

"I'll be right back."

Then the manager returned. He was pretty lame. Soemthing about health codes and violations and whatever. Stupid Denny's. But even lamer, Trisha and Casey were all like "It's cool, man. We understand." Which totally undermined me and Michael, who were like "Fuck that, man!"

So we stormed out, and refused to pay for our water! **

Then me and Michael concocted a scheme so grand, so diabolical, that Denny's would surely fall, and regret that they ha scorned us, the loud teenagers with no money!

But more later. This got too long too fast. I'm tired.

*Also, we don't drink. At least, we don't drink then drive. Man. There is no way to make this look good.

**In case you live in some crap hole like Australia where water is NOT free, you should no that water here, in America, is totally free, which makes what I said very, very funny.


I saw an add on the magic box the other day for traveling to Australia. Here are some reasons why I will never, ever go to Australia.

Seriously, that shit hole has like, four trees, and its like, a billion degrees all the time. Also, I'm pretty sure that I saw something about how that was where the hole in the Ozone layer was, so everyone there is constantly dropping dead from skin cancer. Do I need skin cancer? No. And I hate the desert.

I hate the beach, and that is essentially all that god forsaken place has to offer. They're all like "Yeah, its hot, everyone is better looking than you (but they have skin cancer, so go ahead and laugh about that), everything is poisonous, and we're surrounded by great white sharks. But we have a beach! I'm pretty sure they also have an opera house. Opera is lame. I'm not going a billion miles to listen to some lame singy-show.

I hate sharks. A lot. Seriously. Sharks and alligators both, man. Australia is full of them, kinda like how California is full of Mexicans, or how New Orleans was full of morons. Emphasis on was. Now they are dead. Serves 'em right. "We can survive this storm! Yeah! We cool!" Fucktards.

Everything deadly comes from australia. Like, 19 of the 20 deadliest snakes ceom from there. Do I need to be running from snakes all the time? No. All the spiders there are deadly too. Who needs that kind of aggrivation? Here, spiders are kinda cute. There in Australia, they are cold blooded killers. Also, did you know platypuses are poisonous? Shit man. Australia ruins everything.

Aside from their shitty accent (they totally ripped off England, the bastards), everyone in Australia is better looking than me, which means that if I go down there, then I ain't never gettin' laid. Here in America, there will always be someone 150 pounds heavier than me, which makes me feel kinda good.

Thats pretty much it. The only decent thing about Australia is the movie Quigley Down Under, and its about an American guy and a British guy, which goes to show that everyone in Hollywood hates Australian people, too. Man I hate Australia. Even the name is stupid. Egads.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

For Sean

This is a conversation Sean and I had on AIM today, after some heavy editing, beacuse both Sean and I are prone to making horrible, horrible, typos. Enjoy.

Sean K.: That does roll of the tounge nicely. I am happy I said that.

Sean K.: I got quoted, and I never get quoted enough. Probably 'cause I save all my good sayings for when no ones around.

Tyler: No, not at all! I quote you all the time! I've started saying "plow" and "titties and clam" because of you! Also, "buddy!"

Sean K.: Clam. That's a good one

Tyler: Get on your way, Seany. Try and have a good trip.

Sean K.: If I die on this bus tell every one I hate them.
Sean K.: Except for you.
Sean K.: And mike.

Tyler: Okay.

Sean K.: And the few other kewl people we know.

Tyler: Yeah. I can do that.

Sean K.: Then it's your job to get a megaphone and tell every one you see that I hate them even more in death. Also tell them that I speak to you in your dreams and that there's nothing to look forward to in death. There's just nothing.

Tyler: I love you, Sean

Sean K.: Also, Apocalypse... Sometime in December
Sean K.: Most likely Jesus's birthday

Tyler: Yes! I get a head start! and I'm not a virgin anymore!

Sean K.: Yep.

Sean K.: Yeah and Jesus is commin back and he's gonna gonna have a party, a birthday party,and that each and every one of you fucks are gonna be the pinatas.
Sean K.: And Hitler's commin back with him

Sean K.: ...Just for the pie

Sean K.: People should get a heads up aboot the seconed comming of Jesus and Hitler, and the fact that they're gonna human fucking pinatas.

Tyler: Yeah. Gotta get ready.

Sean K.: Yep

Tyler: They gotta hide their jew buddies.

Sean K.: Start eatin' the cheap candy that comes in the orange and black wrappers.
Sean K.: So they won't eat your heart and you can keep your soul.*

Sean K.: Keep that one to yourself.
Tyler: I'm gonna save this somewhere, and share it with everyone.

*I have no idea what Sean is talking about here. This is what makes Sean the greatest person in the world, besides me.

Friday, August 04, 2006

This will be on the test.

I work at Pizza House. Well, not really. Its a major chain pizza place, however, to protect its identity, I'm going to change its name.
Now, the job is mostly pretty easy. Mostly. Mak the pizza, cut the pizza, fold boxes, do dishes, normal resturant things. The only truely unique thing about working in a pizzeria is that you get to have an encounter like no other: Phone-in orders.
Anyone that has worked a job where you have to deal with people on the phone knows that its shitty. You have to deal with cell phones, quiet talkers, screamers, people with strange and terrifying accents. Its altogether an unpleasant experience. Here i have transcribed, to the best of my ability, The basic phone call that I get at least two out of three times the phone rings.

Me: Thank you for choosing Pizza House, My name is Quinn, how are you today?
Asshole: 'Ello, eh, Speaky Spany?
Me: No, sir, no one here speaks spainish.
Asshole: Oh. Can I have two larsh Pissas?
Me: For delivery or carry out?
Asshole: Yes.
Me: No, sir, for delivery or carry out?
Asshole: Pepperoni?
Me: Does someone there speak decent english?
Asshole: Wha? Hol' on.
*long pause*
Asshole Kid: 'Ello?
Me: Hey, delivery or carry out?
Asshoel Kid (AK): Do you deliver?
Me: Yeah. Yeah we do.
AK: Ok.
Me: *sigh* Okay. Good. Can I get your phone number?
AK: Yeah. Just a second.
*long pause*
AK: Nien Fife One, Seex Four Two, Tree Eight, Gum Drop
Me: WHat were the last tow digits?
AK: I only want one pizza
Me: Okay, but I need to know that last two numbers of your phone number to take your order.
AK: Oh. Gum Drop.
Me: What?
AK: Gu-u-u-um Dr-o-o-o-op.
Me: One six?
AK: No. Gum DROP!
Me. All I got is Gum Drop.
AK: Yes. Thats it.
Me: (silently) Motherfucking idiots coming here fucking learnt he mother fucking language you stupid morons. Jesus Chirst. I hate each and every one of you. Each and everyone. (aloud) Okay. *makes up the last two digits* What can I get you today?
AK: Can I hear the specials?

A short intermission for explanation. We usually have between three and six specials. They take anywhere from thirty seconds to two minutes to rattle off completely. This may seem like a trivial amount of time, but when you do it between 100-120 times on a SLOW day, it gets pretty tedious. So, I take the time and read the id every special, because I have to, because my boss is watching. I hate every moment of it. I finally finish.

Me: And thats it.
AK: Do you have any other specials?
Me: No. Thats it.
AK: Okay. On the second one, can I trade the free soda for two extra large pizzas?
Me: No. No you can't.
AK: Oh. I have a coupon, can I use it?

Another break. I don't think anyone except fellow phone bitches can appriciate how infuriating this is. You mean to tell me I just spent two minutes of my time, while people are yeling at me to cut pizzas, while customers are talking to me over the counter (Yes, even when I have the phone practically glued to my head), and during those two you were groping a mother fucking coupon? You meant o tell me you had something already picked out and ready to go and you wasted... Never mind. Never mind. The faster I can hang up on you, the faster I get outta here, the sooner I can go home, throw on a Cake record, beat off, and go to sleep.

Me: Sure you can use it. Whats it say.
AK: Uh, two pissas.
Me: For how much?
AK: Uh. Lemme check.
*long pause*
Ak: 10.99
Me: And 8 for the second?
AK: Yes.
Me: Okay, how do you want the first pizza?
Ak: Pepperoni.
Me: And the second?
AK: Jalepeno.
Me: So, i have two pizzas, one pepperoni and one jalepeno.
Ak: No, one pizza.
Me: Oh. one pepperoni and jalepeno. And the second?
AK: No second.
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Me: Your total is 13.19, cash or charge?
AK: And wings.
Me: Hot or mild?
AK: Medium.
Me: Okay. Ranch or blue cheese?
AK: Yes.
Me. That all?
Me: Your total is now...
AK: And a coke!
Me: *lists sodas*
AK: Can i have a soda that isn't one of the ones you listed?
Me: No. No you can't.
AK: No soda. How much will it be?
Me: 20.21. Cash or charge?
AK: Yes.
Me: I need to know if this will be cash or charge.
Ak: Cash.
Me: Okay. It will be delivered in forty five minutes.
Ak: How mush will it cost?
Me: 20.21.
AK: Thats too much, cancel the order.

If i wasn't this close to getting some from a coworker, I'd totally quit.