Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hopeless Bleak Despair

Valentines Day. Long time enemy of the mated man. What to do, oh what to do? Roses are cliche, she complains about chocolate making her fat, and if i try to set up a romantic bath, she will ask, "What, do I stink?" Nearly any non-gay man in a relationship will tell you Valentines is on of his least favorite days of the year.
Valentines Day. Do I need another day to remind me that I'm lonely? Do any of us? When was the last time you were sitting around watching "Deal or no Deal" and you thought, "You know what I want? A day to remind me of how sad I am all the time." Yeah. You've never thought that, because you constantly remind yourself about how lonely you are.
Valentines Day. I don't want to ask someone to be my valentine. Does anyone? Its a hassel. If you aren't shot down, and the pimply faced cow you asked actually agrees to be your valentine, then you're in the same boat as relationship guys. Its a real pain in the ass.
Valentines Day. The only people to benefit from this day are women in relationships, which is stupid. Women already have a day. Their birthday. That not enough? Look forward to Christmas. It's all men have. Birthdays and Christmas. And all we get then is a thermos and socks.
Valentines Day. I refuse to celebrate anymore. From now on I only celebrate "Bitter Lonliness Day" Which you celebrate by laying half naked in your darkened bedroom eating Doritos off of your chest and cursing the opposite sex for being dumb and mean.

I'd ask you to celebrate too, but its called Bitter Lonliness day. Celbrating with friends would defeat the whole purpose.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Coming Soon (For Real, This Time)

Soon I will be documenting, in full, the best of my chaotic stories. Most will involve alcohol. I just have to write them down in advance so i know im not forgetting anything.

Tyler and Boobs

M: You assume that because I associate with Tyler that I've never felt breasts!
T: oh, fuck you!
T: i've felt...
T: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12...
T: 13 breasts
T: wait, 14
T: from 9 different girls
T: so there.
M: Only because of your boob retaliation rule*
T: oh, shit,
T: i forgot that rule
M: none of them actually wanted you to touch them
T: well, 2-12 were all willing
T: 13 was accidental
M: ha ha
T: and 14 was a drunken grope
T: but with boob groping rule taken into consideration... i might be somewhere around 20, 25
T: because that rule has allowed me to cop a lot of feels
M: I'd put money that some of the boobs in 2-12 were because of alcohol, and solely alcohol
M: which makes it a good rule
T: 2-10 were all pre-alky-hall
M: Tyler
T: ?
M: you need to stop arguing like I'm being serious
T: im not being serious either
T: im laughing a lot right now
M: I don't actually care about the number of boobs you've tainted with your touch
T: ha ha ha ha
T: i do taint them, don't i?
T: poor ladies
M: yeah
M: hey, their fault

The boob retaliation rule:I'm fat enough to have man tits. My rule is, if its okay for women to laugh and playfully grope me,then i should be able to laugh and playfully grope them. If they don't wanna get groped, then they don't grope me. usually, it saves me from getting groped a lot.