Wednesday, November 29, 2006


There are three places that people watch movies. These three places are Drive-ins, Movie Theaters, and Private Dwellings.Each place has a set of rules and regulations that should always be followed as precisly as possible at all times, for optimum movie enjoyment. The rules are as follows.

Private Dwelling:
To be honest, the host or hostess has eminent domain in this situation. They decide who sists where, what movie, what snacks, ect. However, the ground rules for all movie watching are set up here. They are as follows.
1. All snacks are to be shared without grudge. Anyone not sharing should be barred from future snacking during the movie(s).
2. Talking isn't allowed. Seriously. Quit fucking talking. Talkers will have to sit outside. Egads I hate talkers.
3. If you've seen the movie, do not tell people "I liked this part." "Watch this!" or "Hey, if you look..." Blah Blah Blah. This rule is an extension of the second rule, but nessecary, because people who've seen the movie feel entitled to blab, like thiey're king of the movie or something.

Movie Theater:This is very different from the other two movie experiences. You are in public, usually elbow to elbow with the fat fuck that bought the 30 gallon tub of popcorn. The rules for this movie experience are as follows.
1. Share Snacks unselfishly, unless you bought them. If you bought them, horde that shit. Who wants to share 10.00 bag of M&Ms?
2. No fucking talking.
3. Shut off your GODDAMN cellphones. If you are expecting a call DON'T WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE. FUCKNG SHIT!
4. If you're late, and noisy, you will be publicly beaten with a 10.00 bag of M&Ms.
5. Try not to crinkle you snack bag every ten fucking seconds to get the last reminants of your fucking Skittles. Serioiusly.
6. Don't kick the head rest of the person in fron of you, and unless the row in fornt of you is COMPLETLY empty, don' put your feet on it. Its both impolite, and THE SEATS ARE BOLTED TOGETHER, EVERY TIME YOU KICK, I CAN FUCKING FEEL IT. Shit.
7. Don't ask questions. We are allas clueless as you. Watch and learn.
8. Don't watch a sequl unless you've seen the original.
9. Don't watch sequels. Who wants to watch a piece of shit for 10.00 bucks? Not you. Seriously.
10. Leave your crying baby at home or it will be chopped in twain and shoved BACK into you and your partners reproductive organs.

Drive-In:This is a sort of half-and-half of the two. One one hand, you're in your car. On the other hand, you're surrounded by other people in their cars.
1. Not talking. Seriously.
2. Snacks must be shared within the car. Outside-of-car sharing is optional, and often discouraged.
3. No cel phones. Ever.
4. Keep headlights ot a minimum. Washig out the screen with your fucking brights is punishable by death. WE ARE NOT KIDDING.
5. If you wanna leave twenty minutes early to beat the crowd, drive sanely, and KEEP YOUR FUCKING HEADLIGHTS OFF. Sriously. Do you walk around a theater with a flashlight? No. Why? Because its rude.
Good thing I'm here ot teach you ass hats lessons on manners. Fucking primatives.


For those of you who don't know, I hate Christmas. It is the worst holiday ever. No exception. Earth Day is a day when we all have to pick up garbage and plant trees, and it is a better holiday than Christmas. And we don't even get Earth Day off. However, Earth Day doesn't hijack my TV, make me have to put up with the branches of my family tree that need pruning, annoy me with tedious, repetitive songs, or require me to pretend to be a nice person. Okay, maybe Earth Day does require a little of the last one, but since its only celebrated by like six people, no one is gonna care if I don't.
I demand to know why I have to watch Rudolph, Frosty, and a hundred different "So-and-so Saves Christmas" shows every freaking year? Why? Give me one good reason. Not only do I lose TV, but radio, too, especially the oldies stations. The only decent Christmas movie was that one where the kid shoots his eye out with a BB gun, and only because I can imagine that the kid becomes a bitter, eyeless old man. I never saw the movie, so please don't tell me if this is wrong. I prefer the fantasy I have created.
And why is it agreed that everyone has to visit thier shitty families, that they don't like anyway, at the exact same time of year? Also, when its cold, and snowing, a generally a bitch to travel? The only good thing about all that family is the father/uncle/grandma that had one too many egg nogs and gets angry at everyone.
Also, I hate gifts. Mostly because I'm a cheap bastard. Its my money, you mother fuckers, and I ain't spending it on you.
But mostly, and the real reason I hate Christmas, is the kindness. Forget the expensive gifts for family you don't like, forget the loss of any decent radio or television, forget the Salvation Army Santa with his tedious bell ringing, and the fact that santa hats are even on things that don't have heads, forget the mindless destruction and decoration of a tree, and the myth of the fat elf that gives presents to undeserving children, let go of the fact that you can't find a parking spot and then you have to wait in a 2 hour line when all you wanted was to get a new book to read while you take a dump. Forget all of that. The thing I hate most about Christmas is the fact that, between the third Thursday of November and New Years Eve, we all love each other. We all care so very much. After New Years, that homeless guy should get off his ass and work, or you wish your mother would die everytime she mentions grandchildren. But for that month, it is all forgotten, and everyone sits down and has a meal so big that it lasts for days.
Why only during that month? Why can't we be decent and kind all year? I can't comprehend it.
Don't call me a grinch. The grinch is part of christmas and I hate him, too.

Also, this is the reason that I will not be celebrating Christmas this year. Do not get me a gift, I will not be expecting one. I hereby swear that I will never celebrate Christmas again.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


So, apparently, I got hammered at the drive-in. Can't-stand-up hammered. While at the drive-in, Michael found the big blue stuffed bunny and put it in my backseat. Once at home, I immediatly went to bed, while michael grabbed my fan, which broke my cow statue, and started looking for an outlet, which is why the bedside table was askew.
He found his outlet in the bathroom, where he put the sleeping bags and went straight to bed.

Yeah. It is kind of a boring explanation.

Monday, November 27, 2006


I know this has happened to everyone at least once, but it has never happened to me before.
Last night I go drunk. When I woke up I was home, my blankets were missing, one of my cow statues was destroyed, and my bedside table was moved. Also my friend michael was sleeping in the bathroom and he wouldn't let me in.
When I went out to the truck to find my blankets, there was just an empty bottle of whiskey in the back with one old, torn up blanket. In the backseat was a large, blue rabbit that I do no recognize.
This will be updated the moment I know what happened.