Wednesday, November 29, 2006


For those of you who don't know, I hate Christmas. It is the worst holiday ever. No exception. Earth Day is a day when we all have to pick up garbage and plant trees, and it is a better holiday than Christmas. And we don't even get Earth Day off. However, Earth Day doesn't hijack my TV, make me have to put up with the branches of my family tree that need pruning, annoy me with tedious, repetitive songs, or require me to pretend to be a nice person. Okay, maybe Earth Day does require a little of the last one, but since its only celebrated by like six people, no one is gonna care if I don't.
I demand to know why I have to watch Rudolph, Frosty, and a hundred different "So-and-so Saves Christmas" shows every freaking year? Why? Give me one good reason. Not only do I lose TV, but radio, too, especially the oldies stations. The only decent Christmas movie was that one where the kid shoots his eye out with a BB gun, and only because I can imagine that the kid becomes a bitter, eyeless old man. I never saw the movie, so please don't tell me if this is wrong. I prefer the fantasy I have created.
And why is it agreed that everyone has to visit thier shitty families, that they don't like anyway, at the exact same time of year? Also, when its cold, and snowing, a generally a bitch to travel? The only good thing about all that family is the father/uncle/grandma that had one too many egg nogs and gets angry at everyone.
Also, I hate gifts. Mostly because I'm a cheap bastard. Its my money, you mother fuckers, and I ain't spending it on you.
But mostly, and the real reason I hate Christmas, is the kindness. Forget the expensive gifts for family you don't like, forget the loss of any decent radio or television, forget the Salvation Army Santa with his tedious bell ringing, and the fact that santa hats are even on things that don't have heads, forget the mindless destruction and decoration of a tree, and the myth of the fat elf that gives presents to undeserving children, let go of the fact that you can't find a parking spot and then you have to wait in a 2 hour line when all you wanted was to get a new book to read while you take a dump. Forget all of that. The thing I hate most about Christmas is the fact that, between the third Thursday of November and New Years Eve, we all love each other. We all care so very much. After New Years, that homeless guy should get off his ass and work, or you wish your mother would die everytime she mentions grandchildren. But for that month, it is all forgotten, and everyone sits down and has a meal so big that it lasts for days.
Why only during that month? Why can't we be decent and kind all year? I can't comprehend it.
Don't call me a grinch. The grinch is part of christmas and I hate him, too.

Also, this is the reason that I will not be celebrating Christmas this year. Do not get me a gift, I will not be expecting one. I hereby swear that I will never celebrate Christmas again.


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