Wednesday, November 29, 2006


There are three places that people watch movies. These three places are Drive-ins, Movie Theaters, and Private Dwellings.Each place has a set of rules and regulations that should always be followed as precisly as possible at all times, for optimum movie enjoyment. The rules are as follows.

Private Dwelling:
To be honest, the host or hostess has eminent domain in this situation. They decide who sists where, what movie, what snacks, ect. However, the ground rules for all movie watching are set up here. They are as follows.
1. All snacks are to be shared without grudge. Anyone not sharing should be barred from future snacking during the movie(s).
2. Talking isn't allowed. Seriously. Quit fucking talking. Talkers will have to sit outside. Egads I hate talkers.
3. If you've seen the movie, do not tell people "I liked this part." "Watch this!" or "Hey, if you look..." Blah Blah Blah. This rule is an extension of the second rule, but nessecary, because people who've seen the movie feel entitled to blab, like thiey're king of the movie or something.

Movie Theater:This is very different from the other two movie experiences. You are in public, usually elbow to elbow with the fat fuck that bought the 30 gallon tub of popcorn. The rules for this movie experience are as follows.
1. Share Snacks unselfishly, unless you bought them. If you bought them, horde that shit. Who wants to share 10.00 bag of M&Ms?
2. No fucking talking.
3. Shut off your GODDAMN cellphones. If you are expecting a call DON'T WATCH A FUCKING MOVIE. FUCKNG SHIT!
4. If you're late, and noisy, you will be publicly beaten with a 10.00 bag of M&Ms.
5. Try not to crinkle you snack bag every ten fucking seconds to get the last reminants of your fucking Skittles. Serioiusly.
6. Don't kick the head rest of the person in fron of you, and unless the row in fornt of you is COMPLETLY empty, don' put your feet on it. Its both impolite, and THE SEATS ARE BOLTED TOGETHER, EVERY TIME YOU KICK, I CAN FUCKING FEEL IT. Shit.
7. Don't ask questions. We are allas clueless as you. Watch and learn.
8. Don't watch a sequl unless you've seen the original.
9. Don't watch sequels. Who wants to watch a piece of shit for 10.00 bucks? Not you. Seriously.
10. Leave your crying baby at home or it will be chopped in twain and shoved BACK into you and your partners reproductive organs.

Drive-In:This is a sort of half-and-half of the two. One one hand, you're in your car. On the other hand, you're surrounded by other people in their cars.
1. Not talking. Seriously.
2. Snacks must be shared within the car. Outside-of-car sharing is optional, and often discouraged.
3. No cel phones. Ever.
4. Keep headlights ot a minimum. Washig out the screen with your fucking brights is punishable by death. WE ARE NOT KIDDING.
5. If you wanna leave twenty minutes early to beat the crowd, drive sanely, and KEEP YOUR FUCKING HEADLIGHTS OFF. Sriously. Do you walk around a theater with a flashlight? No. Why? Because its rude.
Good thing I'm here ot teach you ass hats lessons on manners. Fucking primatives.


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