Friday, August 04, 2006

This will be on the test.

I work at Pizza House. Well, not really. Its a major chain pizza place, however, to protect its identity, I'm going to change its name.
Now, the job is mostly pretty easy. Mostly. Mak the pizza, cut the pizza, fold boxes, do dishes, normal resturant things. The only truely unique thing about working in a pizzeria is that you get to have an encounter like no other: Phone-in orders.
Anyone that has worked a job where you have to deal with people on the phone knows that its shitty. You have to deal with cell phones, quiet talkers, screamers, people with strange and terrifying accents. Its altogether an unpleasant experience. Here i have transcribed, to the best of my ability, The basic phone call that I get at least two out of three times the phone rings.

Me: Thank you for choosing Pizza House, My name is Quinn, how are you today?
Asshole: 'Ello, eh, Speaky Spany?
Me: No, sir, no one here speaks spainish.
Asshole: Oh. Can I have two larsh Pissas?
Me: For delivery or carry out?
Asshole: Yes.
Me: No, sir, for delivery or carry out?
Asshole: Pepperoni?
Me: Does someone there speak decent english?
Asshole: Wha? Hol' on.
*long pause*
Asshole Kid: 'Ello?
Me: Hey, delivery or carry out?
Asshoel Kid (AK): Do you deliver?
Me: Yeah. Yeah we do.
AK: Ok.
Me: *sigh* Okay. Good. Can I get your phone number?
AK: Yeah. Just a second.
*long pause*
AK: Nien Fife One, Seex Four Two, Tree Eight, Gum Drop
Me: WHat were the last tow digits?
AK: I only want one pizza
Me: Okay, but I need to know that last two numbers of your phone number to take your order.
AK: Oh. Gum Drop.
Me: What?
AK: Gu-u-u-um Dr-o-o-o-op.
Me: One six?
AK: No. Gum DROP!
Me. All I got is Gum Drop.
AK: Yes. Thats it.
Me: (silently) Motherfucking idiots coming here fucking learnt he mother fucking language you stupid morons. Jesus Chirst. I hate each and every one of you. Each and everyone. (aloud) Okay. *makes up the last two digits* What can I get you today?
AK: Can I hear the specials?

A short intermission for explanation. We usually have between three and six specials. They take anywhere from thirty seconds to two minutes to rattle off completely. This may seem like a trivial amount of time, but when you do it between 100-120 times on a SLOW day, it gets pretty tedious. So, I take the time and read the id every special, because I have to, because my boss is watching. I hate every moment of it. I finally finish.

Me: And thats it.
AK: Do you have any other specials?
Me: No. Thats it.
AK: Okay. On the second one, can I trade the free soda for two extra large pizzas?
Me: No. No you can't.
AK: Oh. I have a coupon, can I use it?

Another break. I don't think anyone except fellow phone bitches can appriciate how infuriating this is. You mean to tell me I just spent two minutes of my time, while people are yeling at me to cut pizzas, while customers are talking to me over the counter (Yes, even when I have the phone practically glued to my head), and during those two you were groping a mother fucking coupon? You meant o tell me you had something already picked out and ready to go and you wasted... Never mind. Never mind. The faster I can hang up on you, the faster I get outta here, the sooner I can go home, throw on a Cake record, beat off, and go to sleep.

Me: Sure you can use it. Whats it say.
AK: Uh, two pissas.
Me: For how much?
AK: Uh. Lemme check.
*long pause*
Ak: 10.99
Me: And 8 for the second?
AK: Yes.
Me: Okay, how do you want the first pizza?
Ak: Pepperoni.
Me: And the second?
AK: Jalepeno.
Me: So, i have two pizzas, one pepperoni and one jalepeno.
Ak: No, one pizza.
Me: Oh. one pepperoni and jalepeno. And the second?
AK: No second.
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Me: Your total is 13.19, cash or charge?
AK: And wings.
Me: Hot or mild?
AK: Medium.
Me: Okay. Ranch or blue cheese?
AK: Yes.
Me. That all?
Me: Your total is now...
AK: And a coke!
Me: *lists sodas*
AK: Can i have a soda that isn't one of the ones you listed?
Me: No. No you can't.
AK: No soda. How much will it be?
Me: 20.21. Cash or charge?
AK: Yes.
Me: I need to know if this will be cash or charge.
Ak: Cash.
Me: Okay. It will be delivered in forty five minutes.
Ak: How mush will it cost?
Me: 20.21.
AK: Thats too much, cancel the order.

If i wasn't this close to getting some from a coworker, I'd totally quit.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard I nearly orgasmed.

Good job.

August 05, 2006  

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