Sunday, May 27, 2007

Attention World!

I've been hearing a lot of jazz from my fellow ninjas that recently they have come to seriously fear pirates. Honestly, my ninja brethren, there is nothing to be worried about as long as you remember a few simple things.

1. Pirates are Ocean Mammals. Like dolphins or whales, Pirates are really only at home in the water, or in ports, where they have to drink a lot of rum in order to stay alive. If you encounter a pirate on land, especially a sober one, remember its probably more afraid of you than you are of it, because pirates are VAGINAS!

2. Pirates are broken. Pirates are usually missing a hand, eye, or leg, sometimes, all three. Because of this their effectiveness in combat is effectively halved, however, keep an eye out for their incredibly strong beards, which harness the power of the sun.

3. Pirates love swag/booty/candy. If threatened by a pirate, an offering of rum, swag, or candy can usually sedate them, and conflict can be avoided. This is because all pirates are idiots, and easily destracted. Dumb pirates.

4. Pirate weaponary. Pirates main weapons are cutlasses, which are so blade heavy that a single swing usually puts them off-balance. They sometimes carry flint-lock pistols, which fire once before reloading is required, and are terribly inaccurate. However, if you see a pirate ship, make sure to use your Ninja invisibility, because their cannons are freakin' MEAN!

5. Pirates cannot fly/pee lightning/transform into bears. I don't know where these rumors come from, or why they keep coming up, but they are totally UNTRUE!

Remember shuriken are usefull when dispatching pirates at medium range, and your kama or even a bokken are effective at close range.

I you have any further questions regarding the clear inferiority of pirates versus the truely awesome power of the ninja, please send your emails to

Thank you, and good night.


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