Church

Every once in a while my family, somehow or another, manages to get me to go to church with them. Usually I go because someone I know is going to be speaking. Today I went because my lovely niece and handsome nephew (Shayne and Ethan) were going to be singing a series of mother's day songs in celebration of the holiday.

So I grabbed my polyester pants, green dress shirt, old brown shoes, pub hat, and headed out the door.

My dad's church is like, half an hour away, so, a long drive later, I was there.

Boring talks about Mothers, mostly BS, and some returned missionary talking about how much he loves the gospel.

Then the kiddies.

They filed up to the front of the church in little lines, stood, leaned, sat, and the show started. Some kids sang, some kids just sat and stared ahead, lifeless, bored. My little nephew made goofy faces at the audience, while my niece stood and smiled like she had just found out that she was getting cake for dinner.

For the most part, it was cute.

However.

Something, maybe its Washington, maybe its Mormons, but, goddamn there were some ugly kids.

Not normal ugly, big ears or a funny nose, I'm talking eyes that weren't level. One eye literally an inch higher than the other. How do people love these ugly kids? One kid had a forehead like a caveman and eyes like oranges, ogling the crowd like they were covered in ants. Little girls that looked like chimp hybrids, huge open mouths, toothless and frightening. Pale kids, their veins showing through the skin of their faces like roadmaps tattooed on their skin.

Scary, ugly kids.

Almost made it not worth it.

And to top it off, my buddy, who was supposed to buy my a bottle of bourbon, didn't call, and my cousin is outta town, so no hard liquor there, either. wine again tonight, and I'm starting to get tired of it.