Saturday, January 06, 2007

A Real True Story

So here I am in Washington, right? Well, my brother-in-law, Warren, he's a pretty avid hunter.

So he says to me, he says "Tyler, would you like to go hunting with me?"

And I, well I says to him, "Sure, O'Brother-in-law o'mine! Sounds like a grand time!"

And off into the woods we went.

As we crept farther into the woodlands of the pacific northwest, I turned to Warren and asked, "Hey, there, buddy! Doesn't that big hairy fella, Sasquatch, live up round here?"

And Warren, he gets really serious, and he says "Yes. Yes he does. And he is a terrible danger, and a menace to society! If you see him, kill him for he is an embodiment of all that is evil in this land!"

Just then we heard somethin' rattlin' the bushes, right? So I yank out my blunderbuss and take aim on none other than Big Foot himself! Well, the beast stared at me, his big dark eyes seeming to speak to me, as if Big Foot and I were kindred spirits of some kind. Well, I just couldn't shoot down my soul brother! And so I gave Big Foot a nod, and he retreated into the forest quietly.

As I turn back to Warren, I see that he has spotted a bear! It was 12 feet tall and 1,200 pounds of raw, angry bear, charging right for us! Warren shot his .50 right into its eye, but the bear's eye was made of unbreakable metal, like stainless steel or cement or something! But was Warren scared? Heck no!

Warren activated his jet pack and flew into the bear at full speed. I stood, dumbfounded, holding my blunderbuss like a drunken sailor. In moments Warren and the bear were grappling. The bear had Warren in size, being 1000 pounds heavier and six feet taller that him. But like my dad always says, "Its not the size of the dog in the fight, but the amount of angel dust each dog snorted beforehand."

But did Warren give up? Heck no! He punched that bear in the face! Right in the freakin' face! But then the bear was all like "Jerk wad!" So it punched him back, hard! And yeah, Warren was hurt and stuff, but he kept going.

Right about now is when I started getting nervous, so I pulled out the Mr. T hotline, and dialed really super fast! Mr. T said "Warren is fighting a bear?" And I was like "Totally, T-man!" And he said "Dude, I'll be over there double super mega ultra lightning fast!"

And he was.

And when he got there, Warren was all like, "Dude, thanks Mr. T!" But Mr. T totally punch Warren in the kidneys! Turns out this was an evil Robot T that had captured the real Mr. T in a hidden fortress!

So I was all like "Time for action!" And I ran over and started doing a combination of kung-fu, karate, hibachi, and DDR on Mr. T so intense that his robo-afro-mohawk melted and all his circuits started exploding and there was this big BOOM and he was dead. But it also knocked Warren over. But not the bear.

And Warren was all like "Its so over! I'm gonna die!"

And the bear was all like "Dude, you are SO eaten!"

And I was all like "Ah! I'm covered in melted plastic and all blind and stuff from the Robot T explosion!"

And that was when the most awesome thing in the world happened. The bear was about to eat Warren, and I was totally helpless. But I heard a helicopter, and thought maybe the Army or the Peace Corps were there so something, but no, it was a helicopter piloted by the Loch Ness Monster, carrying The Yeti, Big Foot, and the real Mr. T who they had just rescued!

They all jumped down out of the helicopter, which launched a missle and blew itself up right as they did so there was this mega-cool explosion as they fell. The bear ate Nessy in one gulp! And that pissed Mr. T off, because he loves Nessy so much, so he kicked that bear so hard that its arm fell off! Then Mr. T flew away using the power from his golden chains, because he can do that. I saw it on TV once.

But the bear was still all like "Rawr!" So the Yeti pulled out this wicked samurai sword and cut out the bears stomach, and like a thousand orphans ran out all thankful and stuff.

But the bear got even angrier and wasn't even hurt that bad! While Warren was standing up, the bear sprouted a robot arm with a lazer on it! Then Big Foot stepped up and was all like, I can handle this!" And he gets this really intense face on, and head butts the bear realy, really hard! It made kind of "Gnk!" noise.

The bear staggered back, and Warren, thinking fast, got on all fours, and the bear tripped backwards over him. Then the bear died. Then the Yeti peed on it and took its robot arm.

After everyone got rid of all their adrenaline by chopping down trees with their 39 foot long erections, we all stood in a circle and shook hands. And Warren was like, "Dude, Sasquatch, I said some pretty uncool things." But Sasquatch was like, "Naw, dude, Buddies for life." Then they high-fived and drove me to the hospital so I could be treated for my severe burns. Also, the Yeti was there and he blew up some doctors with his lazer arm that he took fromt he bear but it was an accident because the yeti is good and would never blow up doctors on purpose.

The End.


Blogger Mean Mr. Michael said...

I say this in all seriousness, I'm not just being polite.

That was the biggest waste of time, ever. I've literally never read something quite that stupid. I can only imagine that's what you were going for, so, congratulations. You have finally made it into the literary hall of shame.

I think oprah's in there.

January 06, 2007  

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